Most of us single Christians can agree that being alone can be extremely hard during this time of the year, which has been affectionately dubbed ‘cuddle season’. The winter months can magnify the desire for romantic companionship. I’ve gone through it time and time again and believe me, I feel you! Year, after year, the same pattern emerges. You go into Walgreens in December to buy a Christmas card and you are greeted by Valentine’s day merchandise. Then you just want to watch some quality television but those internet dating commercials are on back to back. Just the other day someone told me that they saw an ad for 73% off the membership. 73% OFF! #Seriously #Comeon #Thisisnothowblackpeoplemeet. It is like we can’t even watch television without a certain grandpa trying to give us advice we didn’t ask for or a faceless narrator telling us about how to get more dates and relationships!
When the media isn’t reminding you of your singleness, your friends, family and co-workers are relentlessly making suggestions and asking questions. Plus, let us not forget those fiery darts of the enemy! Oh, how he points out those people that we KNOW are no good, but we give place to the attraction anyway. They catch our eye, and the battle in our flesh has already begun. We know they aren’t the one, but they look good, and they are funny, or nice, or [insert quality that you like in a mate here]. Maybe we can just grab coffee… there is no harm in being friends… we can just text… it’s no big deal. Nothing is going to happen. So then you start to spend time, just for the sake of it, just for the company, and the next thing you know, love has been awakened far before it’s time and for someone who isn’t worthy. Thus, compromise has not only been birthed, but has flourished in our lives.
We give into our flesh and a savage awakens, creating such a conflict in our spirits. We started out praying for God to send the RIGHT one, but we end up spending time with THAT one, just because – because they were available, because the season is long, because the struggle is real.
The struggle IS real. I am convinced that if the Apostle Paul had social media, he would use #thestruggleisreal on most of his posts. He was a man who not only knew the struggle of the flesh was real, but understood it. In his acknowledgement however, he didn’t make excuse for sin, he challenged us all of overcome it.
Romans 12:1-2 reads: “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (NIV).”
These verses are everything! In them, Paul urges us to not do things the way our society does them. But he doesn’t stop there, he offers us the HOW! This is great, because the natural question is ‘uhhhh well how do you actually expect that I achieve that? Um hello, do you see where I live? I can’t even commute to work without seeing billboards of a few half naked people? I can’t even watch the Superbowl without sexually charged commercials between plays!’ To that, Paul says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Yes, that guy is fine, yes that commercial is sexy, yes it has been a long wait, but what are you filling your mind with? What are you thinking about when your mind wanders? What are you meditating on? How is your prayer life? Why are you watching that show anyway? Do you have accountability? Meditating on the Word and Grace of God will push out the filth. Spending time with the Lord will help shift your focus. Accountability will help you to guard against compromise.
The second part of verse two is about testing and approving God’s will. You may be thinking, ‘Okay, but what does that have to do with cuddle season?’ I am glad you asked! Cuddle season is all about temporary satisfaction, and temporary satisfaction can have long term consequences. Physical intimacy is never just that. It can lead to soul ties, as well as spiritual and emotional pain. We may go into these types of situations convinced there are no strings attached, only to find ourselves bound by their effects for months, or even years. It is never worth it! Thankfully, we can find freedom from these things in Christ, but why subject ourselves to the pain of that process, or dishonor God by rejecting His best for us? I mean, think about it, Is Netflix and chill God’s heart for your heart? Is an uncommitted situation God’s will when He commands husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church and women to exemplify Proverbs 31?
No.
God’s plan for relationship is covenant, which by definition, opposes the seasonal experimentation that cuddle season epitomizes. See, God’s good, pleasing and perfect will is just that- good, pleasing, and perfect! He knows what you need and the kind of person that is good for you; which is what we all really want. But to get this requires us to put aside temporary satisfaction and focus on the long term plan that God has for us.
So how do you make it through cuddle season, without a cuddle buddy? One word: calling. Two words: your calling. Focus on finding yourself in Christ, and find what you are called to do. How do you find that? By getting to know the Caller. The Lord! You get to know Him by spending time in prayer and in His word. As you do this, He will compel you to RENEW your mind about many things, including relationships. In the process, you will stop seeing relationships the way the world sees them, and stop engaging in them the way the world does. Then He will be able to lead you to the someone who is right for you and who has good intentions for you. He will bring you to someone who is not going to treat you like a season or a tool that is to be used and then tossed aside when the job is done. He will lead you to someone who loves Him, and that can, as a result love you. He will send someone who will walk with you long term and not just when it is convenient.
See, when you know the Caller, you will eventually know what He is calling you to do. You will not entertain anyone on a seasonal basis because the sense of destiny in you will be too great for you to mess with it. You will approach relationships differently. Even if you were the person who didn’t care before, or thought being in ‘a situation’ was no big deal, getting closer to the Caller will cause you to place much more value on yourself and your call. You will begin to consider men/women who can walk that thing out with you. You will begin to be more careful about the person you consider worthy of your time and attention. You’ll more prayerfully consider who can temper you, who can read and pray with you, and so on. Eventually you will begin to walk out the verses below from Jeremiah, because you got closer to Lord, got a sense of your calling and destiny, and you are saying no to the patterns of this world!
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit. – Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)
I am not just saying these things to you, I am living this out too. I know (that I know) that the Lord has a will for my relationship and for my future. I am trusting in the Lord and placing my confidence in Him. We cannot fully believe God’s Word and remain dependant upon our own abilities. We demonstrate our trust in God by becoming totally dependant upon Him. When we place our confidence in God for a mate, we believe that God will lead us, then allow Him to do it however He chooses
I have a strong sense of calling because I’ve spent years learning the voice of the one who called me. I’ve spent years saying no to the seasonal cuddle not because I didn’t want it, not because I crave that kind of affection, but because my sense of calling is too great. I won’t give my flesh room to mess with that. I will allow the Lord to guide me in this area just as He does in every area of my life.
We may live in a culture that celebrates one night stands, hook-ups with strangers in bars, and drunk texts, but we are called to be different. We have to trust that the same God who calls us to be different is giving us the grace to be different and leading us to mates who are everything He promised. I have trust and confidence. That’s why I say no to risky situations. That is why I abstain from physically intimate relationships, and any circumstance that would make room for that.
Regardless of where you are in your waiting, walk, or relationship, I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. God has a plan for you concerning relationships! He designed marriage and He designed you. He knows your desires for emotional and physical intimacy, but you must allow him to lead you and renew your mind regarding relationships and intimacy. Sexual intimacy is reserved for covenant and is to mirror the intimacy and relationship that we have with Him. Anything outside of this is a counterfeit and will never truly satisfy those deep desires.
If you are currently physically intimate with someone you can stop right now and renew your heart before God. In Christ we have full access to the Father, His love, and His mercy. In Christ nothing can separate us from the love of God and there is no condemnation for the mistakes we may have made. You can’t change your past, but you can choose your future. It is not going to be easy but I promise you, it will be worth it. Try relationships God’s way and remember that He is able (and willing) to do immeasurably more than we can ask, think, dream, or imagine (Eph. 3:20-21).
Yes, the struggle is real, but the Lord has already made a way. You just have to trust Him.
If you need community, accountability, or support in your relationships or singleness, the QUEST/YAM team is here to talk, to pray, and to encourage. Connect with us here.
Veronica is a Food Network addict, avid home cook, lover of any chance to be the hands and feet of Christ and a deep appreciator of John 10:10. The latest thing she is super excited about is having registered for the Christ Church Chaplaincy Training/Certification Program. She recently completed a year of volunteering at Hackensack University Medical Center in the Pastoral Care Department conducting bedside visits and providing spiritual care and comfort to patients. Her most used hashtags are #letsgo2017, #teamjesus, #Ephesians320, #iamsecond, #90srnb, #legday #cookingwithveetek and #thewait
Follow her on Instagram @vee_tek
